Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Acutely Undercoached Previews...Wisconsin

Wisconsin has a tremendous stable of running backs, and a bunch of white dudes blocking for them. On defense, they have a bunch of white dudes on the front four trying to stop the run.

I don't believe there are any white dudes in the secondary, so looks like it's going to be a good year in Madison.

Prediction: 11-2

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Taking A Look At Some Of Michigan's 2009 Recruiting Prospects



Jokey Smurf - 0'7" - Can attack a defense in a number of ways as a runner. Perimeter speed to take it the distance on the outside, suddenness and body-tilt to slice through the small creases in-line and deceptive strength breaking tackles.





Lazy Smurf - 0'7.5" - Moves well for a big man and can cause problems between the tackles. He's a solid tackler. Has adequate short-area change-of-direction skills. Best long-term fit may be offensive tackle.





Grumpy Smurf - 0'6.75" - Strong and reliable tackler who runs through ball carriers; can deliver the big hit as well with his size and closing burst. However, he does play high at times with little bend in his pedal, is susceptible to the double move in off-man and true recovery speed could be tested in college.



Hefty Smurf - 0'7" - Hefty is a physically impressive athlete who shows great ability in all three phases of the game and at this time may be a better overall football player than a skilled positional prospect. He is tall, rangy and athletically-built





Greedy Smurf - 0'7.5" - He is not real tall but is compact, strong and has great body composition for the position. Runs patiently with good vision through the hole.






Brainy Smurf - 0'7.25" - Runs low to the ground, with excellent body control allowing him to slide through small run creases without losing much in transition. Very dangerous when he gets in space with his elusiveness.





Vanity Smurf - 0'7" - Tends to dance at times instead of hitting up inside with great urgency when finds a downhill seam. Will have trouble consistently bouncing and cutting laterally versus faster pursuing defenders at the next level.





Farmer Smurf - 0'8" - He is a mammoth player with a nice wingspan. He plays both ways in high school and, depending on a college team's needs, could wind up on either side of the ball at the next level.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Reason Tim Brewster Kicked Harold Howell Off His Team

This is how Harold answered one of his questions in his final essay exam from his Principles of Human Anatomy Laboratory class last semester...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

My Weekend At Camp


Sorry for not posting, but it was with good reason! Due to my connections in the underworld, I was granted a slot in the coveted University of Iowa Football Fantasy Camp! It was a fast-paced weekend where I hardly had time to collect my thoughts. I was hoping to have a detailed recap for this blog, but there was just so much that happened and I can't even recall everything that we did. Here are some of my notes that I got scribbled down on my notepad.

Friday
8:30 a.m. Check-in. There are a lot of posers here, that's for sure.

9:15 a.m. Orientation. Iowa football head coach Kirk Ferentz addresses us. He lays out what to expect this weekend. Sounds like a lot of fun! His last words were "Remember, true Hawkeyes never leave prints on guns."

10:10 a.m. First Seminar: Counting Cash By Smell. They showed us how to take a stack of bills and waft it under our nose and count by smell! It was amazing. I never would have thought that $20 bills smell differently than $50 bills, but they do. You can tell the difference because $20 bills smell like pockets, and $50 bills smell like wallets.

11:00 a.m. Lunch! We had a four-hour barbecue. We went to somebody's apartment complex and had a pool party. I'm not sure anybody from the team lived at the complex, but who cares, we're freaking Hawkeyes!

3:15 p.m. Facebook class. We were shown how to set up a Facebook account and also shown how to tie bandanas.

4:15 p.m. Scam drills. I ran interference at a Stop-N-Go while my roommate snagged four sixes of MGD and two packs of Swishers. (Coach Ferentz later told me he'd never seen blocking like that before.)

5:30 p.m. Lab class. (Meth lab.) We had some Iowa City scab-pickers show us how to make meth. The Amish would have been impressed with the craftsmanship these dudes showed. After the class, one guy stabbed the other over a game of Mario Kart.

6:30 p.m. Steak n Shake. I got two Frisco Melts and told them I was unhappy with the meal and the service and they comped my meal! Chad Greenway was my camp counselor and he assured me this would work--and he was right! I owe you one, Chad.

8:00 p.m. Rock 'til dawn. We went to a party at a frat house that had an underground fight club. I made $600 by fighting a pig. My roommate got pinned by a donkey.

Saturday
10:00 a.m. Got high.

Sunday
11:00 a.m. Exit interview. Before I could leave, Coach Ferentz made me give him 70% of my $600. Then he shook my hand. He shakes hands in a weird way. He kind of grabs your hand and turns your hand and wrist inside, so the inside of your forearm is facing the ground. I asked him why he shakes hands like this and he said it's habit because track marks gross him out.

1:15 p.m. Bus station. I got to the bus station wearing my honorary Hawkeyes letter jacket. I was told that the jacket enables you to get 10% off of anything sold in the vicinity of the bus station--anything!

11:45 p.m. Back home. I miss Iowa already. I can see why nobody wants to leave that place. I think I'm gonna go rob somebody. Later.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Commentary: Rich Rodriguez Hates The Traditions! Get Away From The Traditions!


As you may or may not know, since Rich Rodriguez was hired by Michigan, he has made it his duty to reform the University of Michigan football team in his image. Because of that, many of the traditions that have become...um...tradition...at Michigan may be getting pushed aside.

But where will it stop? When will it stop? Will it stop?

As an avid follower of college football since ESPN told me to be, I consider myself a traditionalist, and I don't like to see any traditions being discarded.

Rodriguez trying to give the #1 jersey to a defensive back is a slap in the face to everything guys like Tyrone Butterfield stood for as a #1 wearer. Do you think Butterfield sees the framed #1 jersey that hangs next to his Murphy bed and thinks, "It's too bad defensive players can't wear this?" Of course not!

And how do you think former captain Mike Hart feels about rotating captains? I bet he thinks it sucks! How are rotating captains going to know how to lead their team to victory as well as proven, established captains like Mike Hart, Jake Long and Shawn Crable can? They can't! (Of course, Chad Henne might have liked the idea, considering he finally would have gotten a chance to be a captain. Maybe)

In Order To Ensure Joe Paterno Will Healthily Make It To The Season Opener

He has been frozen in carbonite. He will be thawed in time to monitor summer practices from home.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Episode Guide for Charlie Weis' 2006 NBC Cartoon 'Weis Guys'


Weis Guys was a cartoon in which Charlie Weis and a team of traveling skateboarding kids encounter adventures and solve mysteries throughout the country. The cast of characters included Weis; Johnny (an orphan with confidence issues); Sam (a punky, streetwise tomboy); Frankie (a misunderstood bully) and Robot (a talking robot). The series was canceled after only one season and can currently only be seen on Japan's version of Cartoon Network "Toon In Tokyo".


Episode One: "The Ghost of Mt. Calamari"
While on the road in Florida, the team stops at a seafood restaurant. As they enter the restaurant, the patrons all run out in a panic, screaming that there is a ghost inside the restaurant. Charlie and his team enter without apology and Charlie immediately deduces that the "ghost" is just a film projection from rival seafood restauranteur Shiko Nakamuro. The rest of the episode has Charlie berating Robot for slow math computing.


Episode Two: "The Haunted Castle"
While at an international skateboarding competition in Romania, the team visits an old castle. Sam is in the bathroom when she hears what sounds like a ghost. Sam contacts Robot to come and check it out and according to Robot's heat scan, there is somebody in the other stall. The two then call for Charlie, and when he hears what Sam thought was a ghost, he correctly deduces that it's not a ghost at all, but rather a sleeping possum. He then opens the door to show them the possum and point out how stupid they were. The rest of the episode is Charlie talking about how the possum is the only North American marsupial.


Episode Three: "Terror Circus"
Seeking respite from the grind of skateboarding, the team decides to take in the circus. While standing in line for concessions, the team hears a scream and Charlie runs to find out what happened. When Charlie finally gets to the room where the scream comes from, his team tells him that a ghost has robbed the treasurer and all of the ticket money has been stolen! Charlie takes the lockbox from the treasurer and berates him for having such an easy six number combination. He then gathers bystanders around the treasurer and asks the treasurer what a ghost is going to do with money. The treasurer is speechless and then Charlie throws the lockbox at the treasurer and shouts "Ghosts don't $#%!&*$ steal $%#@*&% money!"


Episode Four: "Dead Bang"
Murder! The team takes in a dinner play involving the solving of a fake murder. Charlie makes Robot stay outside because every seat costs money and since Robot can't eat, Charlie's not paying for him to just occupy space. The rest of the episode is Charlie shouting out during the play that the murderer is Nigel Portnoy.


Episode Five: "Ghost Ship"
While in Chicago at "Skate-a-Thon 2006", Johnny sees what he thinks is a ghost ship. Charlie shakes him and says not everything is about ghosts. Charlie then asks Johnny to leave the team. The final 19 minutes of the episode has Charlie giving an expletive-laced rant about how Robot is nothing but a "glorified &%#$@&^# can opener."


Episode Six: "The Old Witch and The Non-Existent Cell Tower"
While traveling to a Kansas skateboard show, the team's van breaks down and the team is forced to walk to a nearby farmhouse to make a phone call. Charlie knocks on the door and an old farmer answers. The farmer tells him that the only person in the area with a phone is "the old witch". Charlie gets directions to the old witch's house. The witch lets Charlie use her phone and he calls AAA. The rest of the episode is Charlie telling the guy from AAA how to fix the van.


Episode Seven: "Zombie Train"
On their way to a skateboarding expo in St. Louis, the team's Amtrak is overrun by zombies. Knowing that zombies eat brains, the team was obviously worried about the buffet of brains that Charlie would offer. While Charlie is sleeping, they decide to barricade him inside of his suite. Even though Charlie cannot get to his team, he tells them that the zombies aren't zombies, but rather they are heroin addicts. Charlie then has Robot break down his door.


Episode Eight: "The Final Chapter"
The last episode of Weis Guys is a two-parter. In the first part, Sam is kidnapped. Charlie yells at Frankie for letting Sam get kidnapped and Frankie is obviously distraught and runs away. With only one day before the US Skateboarding Open, Charlie has to get his team back together! Part two has Charlie calling former team member Johnny at home and telling Johnny that he knows that Johnny kidnapped Sam. Johnny admits to the crime and Sam is freed. Charlie then grabs Robot and they drive over to the old bridge where Charlie finds Frankie and he tells Frankie that he knew he'd find him at the bridge because Frankie would never have the guts to actually jump. Charlie then tells Robot that he's a non-necessity and is no longer wanted on the team. The series ends with Charlie and Frankie going to pick up Sam, undoubtedly on their way to winning the US Skateboarding Open the next day.