My Weekend At Camp

Sorry for not posting, but it was with good reason! Due to my connections in the underworld, I was granted a slot in the coveted University of Iowa Football Fantasy Camp! It was a fast-paced weekend where I hardly had time to collect my thoughts. I was hoping to have a detailed recap for this blog, but there was just so much that happened and I can't even recall everything that we did. Here are some of my notes that I got scribbled down on my notepad.

Friday
8:30 a.m. Check-in. There are a lot of posers here, that's for sure.

9:15 a.m. Orientation. Iowa football head coach Kirk Ferentz addresses us. He lays out what to expect this weekend. Sounds like a lot of fun! His last words were "Remember, true Hawkeyes never leave prints on guns."

10:10 a.m. First Seminar: Counting Cash By Smell. They showed us how to take a stack of bills and waft it under our nose and count by smell! It was amazing. I never would have thought that $20 bills smell differently than $50 bills, but they do. You can tell the difference because $20 bills smell like pockets, and $50 bills smell like wallets.

11:00 a.m. Lunch! We had a four-hour barbecue. We went to somebody's apartment complex and had a pool party. I'm not sure anybody from the team lived at the complex, but who cares, we're freaking Hawkeyes!

3:15 p.m. Facebook class. We were shown how to set up a Facebook account and also shown how to tie bandanas.

4:15 p.m. Scam drills. I ran interference at a Stop-N-Go while my roommate snagged four sixes of MGD and two packs of Swishers. (Coach Ferentz later told me he'd never seen blocking like that before.)

5:30 p.m. Lab class. (Meth lab.) We had some Iowa City scab-pickers show us how to make meth. The Amish would have been impressed with the craftsmanship these dudes showed. After the class, one guy stabbed the other over a game of Mario Kart.

6:30 p.m. Steak n Shake. I got two Frisco Melts and told them I was unhappy with the meal and the service and they comped my meal! Chad Greenway was my camp counselor and he assured me this would work--and he was right! I owe you one, Chad.

8:00 p.m. Rock 'til dawn. We went to a party at a frat house that had an underground fight club. I made $600 by fighting a pig. My roommate got pinned by a donkey.

Saturday
10:00 a.m. Got high.

Sunday
11:00 a.m. Exit interview. Before I could leave, Coach Ferentz made me give him 70% of my $600. Then he shook my hand. He shakes hands in a weird way. He kind of grabs your hand and turns your hand and wrist inside, so the inside of your forearm is facing the ground. I asked him why he shakes hands like this and he said it's habit because track marks gross him out.

1:15 p.m. Bus station. I got to the bus station wearing my honorary Hawkeyes letter jacket. I was told that the jacket enables you to get 10% off of anything sold in the vicinity of the bus station--anything!

11:45 p.m. Back home. I miss Iowa already. I can see why nobody wants to leave that place. I think I'm gonna go rob somebody. Later.