Top Five Sandy-Blonde Heisman Candidates For 2008

1. Todd Reesing, QB Kansas. I'm sure in a better light, Reesing's hair would be even blonder--but you cannot deny the sandiness.

2. James Laurinaitis, LB Ohio State. He would probably be at the top of the list had he not shaved his head. Still, as it stands, his hair has enough of a body of work to warrant this placement.

3. Curtis Painter, QB Purdue. All you need to know about the level of sandy-blonde goodness at the top of this list is the fact that despite sandy-blondeness covering the top, bottom and sides of Curtis Painter's head, he's only good enough for third.

4. Colt McCoy, QB Texas. He only makes this list because he'll be out in the sun all summer long and his sandyness will eventually gleam with yellow gold. If he had an aversion to the sun, however, he'd never even sniff this list.

5. Sam McGuffie, RB Michigan. In Rich Rodriguez's new offense, McGuffie will have plenty of time to stand on the sidelines soaking up rays as his team goes three and out for three and a half hours at a time. And that's during peak sun time.

Those who did not make the list, but were sort of close...but not really.

Stephen McGee, QB Texas A&M. You don't get a real sandy-blonde with highlights. Lack integrity much, Stephen?

Drew Weatherford, QB Florida State. Yeah, everything about Weatherford's floppy skull-tassles screams "sandy-blonde goodness", but you still gotta be able to play. Sorry, Drew.

Jevan Snead, QB Ole Miss. Waaaaay too Ginger-y.

Jimmy Clausen, QB Notre Dame. This list is for "Sandy-Blondes", not "Dandy-Blondes".

Jake Christensen, QB Iowa. Yes, you probably have the epitome of "sandy-blonde goodness", but you're struggling to beat out Ricky Stanzi. I don't care if your first name is "Sandy", you're middle name is "Blonde" and your last name is "Goodness"--you're not making this list if you can't beat out Ricky Freaking Stanzi!

Nick Saban's Crime Novel Receives Scathing Reviews

Nick Saban's debut novel The Color of Sleep was released last week to multitudinous opinion...

Knoxville News Sentinel - "Dumbasses have a new voice. This book should die in a fire."

Baton Rouge Advocate - "Six monkeys typing on six typewriters for about three hours could've come up with this. Great twist at the end though."

Auburn Journal - "Terrible. Where to start? First off, writing a book with Jim Belushi as your lead character and framing it around crime-fighting while filming "According to Jim" all the while making us read your terrible "According to Jim" scripts is not a recipe for success. Secondly, an entire chapter of Jim Belushi watching "Over The Top" while making comments? Seriously? I wouldn't read this book again to stop somebody from punching my mother in the throat."

Starkville Daily News - "2.5 stars".

Lexington Herald Leader - [The Lexington Herald Leader is against books and doesn't shy away from that fact.]

Nashville Tennesseean - "There should be a five-day waiting period to buy a computer so that a background check can be done in order to hopefully prevent anything like this book from happening again."

The Oxford Eagle - "Saban delivers a book full of excitment and witty dialogue. What he fails to deliver is adequate punctuation."

Athens Banner-Herald - "While we liked having the story centered around Jim Belushi, the story lost all believability when it was revealed that Belushi had the power of flight."

Gainesville Sun - "Saban seems to want to rub the common man's nose in the fact that he can write a book so full of plot twists and intellectual banter that much of his story gets lost in translation. I love the fact that his main character can fly, but I don't know why he needed to involve science to explain it."

The Columbia Star - "Having now read several books, I can easily say that this was the longest. At over 70 pages, Saban seems to flaunt his love for John Steinbeck with seemingly nowhere-going monologues, like the "butter knife argument". You will, however, love the fact that the main character (Jim Belushi!) can fly, and Saban does a masterful job of getting you emotionally involved in Belushi's attempt to breathe fire. But after it's all spelled out, this is essentially a book about a dragon who solves crime in between shooting his sitcom; but for some reason Saban decided to turn the dragon into Jim Belushi."

Northwest Arkansas Times - "If you've read Gene Stallings' Passion Holler, then you've essentially read The Color of Sleep."

Tuscaloosa News - "Amazing! Saban's prose is only exceeded by his story-telling! So many twists and turns you'll think you're an SEC coach. Somebody call the folks at Gideon, they've now got a second book to distribute! Easily the book of the year. In Jim Belushi, we finally have a hero to write home about--if we didn't all still live in the same house. The Color of Sleep will leave you eagerly anticipating the sequel Cotton Mouth Jive."