The Reason Tim Brewster Kicked Harold Howell Off His Team

This is how Harold answered one of his questions in his final essay exam from his Principles of Human Anatomy Laboratory class last semester...

My Weekend At Camp

Sorry for not posting, but it was with good reason! Due to my connections in the underworld, I was granted a slot in the coveted University of Iowa Football Fantasy Camp! It was a fast-paced weekend where I hardly had time to collect my thoughts. I was hoping to have a detailed recap for this blog, but there was just so much that happened and I can't even recall everything that we did. Here are some of my notes that I got scribbled down on my notepad.

Friday
8:30 a.m. Check-in. There are a lot of posers here, that's for sure.

9:15 a.m. Orientation. Iowa football head coach Kirk Ferentz addresses us. He lays out what to expect this weekend. Sounds like a lot of fun! His last words were "Remember, true Hawkeyes never leave prints on guns."

10:10 a.m. First Seminar: Counting Cash By Smell. They showed us how to take a stack of bills and waft it under our nose and count by smell! It was amazing. I never would have thought that $20 bills smell differently than $50 bills, but they do. You can tell the difference because $20 bills smell like pockets, and $50 bills smell like wallets.

11:00 a.m. Lunch! We had a four-hour barbecue. We went to somebody's apartment complex and had a pool party. I'm not sure anybody from the team lived at the complex, but who cares, we're freaking Hawkeyes!

3:15 p.m. Facebook class. We were shown how to set up a Facebook account and also shown how to tie bandanas.

4:15 p.m. Scam drills. I ran interference at a Stop-N-Go while my roommate snagged four sixes of MGD and two packs of Swishers. (Coach Ferentz later told me he'd never seen blocking like that before.)

5:30 p.m. Lab class. (Meth lab.) We had some Iowa City scab-pickers show us how to make meth. The Amish would have been impressed with the craftsmanship these dudes showed. After the class, one guy stabbed the other over a game of Mario Kart.

6:30 p.m. Steak n Shake. I got two Frisco Melts and told them I was unhappy with the meal and the service and they comped my meal! Chad Greenway was my camp counselor and he assured me this would work--and he was right! I owe you one, Chad.

8:00 p.m. Rock 'til dawn. We went to a party at a frat house that had an underground fight club. I made $600 by fighting a pig. My roommate got pinned by a donkey.

Saturday
10:00 a.m. Got high.

Sunday
11:00 a.m. Exit interview. Before I could leave, Coach Ferentz made me give him 70% of my $600. Then he shook my hand. He shakes hands in a weird way. He kind of grabs your hand and turns your hand and wrist inside, so the inside of your forearm is facing the ground. I asked him why he shakes hands like this and he said it's habit because track marks gross him out.

1:15 p.m. Bus station. I got to the bus station wearing my honorary Hawkeyes letter jacket. I was told that the jacket enables you to get 10% off of anything sold in the vicinity of the bus station--anything!

11:45 p.m. Back home. I miss Iowa already. I can see why nobody wants to leave that place. I think I'm gonna go rob somebody. Later.

Commentary: Rich Rodriguez Hates The Traditions! Get Away From The Traditions!

As you may or may not know, since Rich Rodriguez was hired by Michigan, he has made it his duty to reform the University of Michigan football team in his image. Because of that, many of the traditions that have become...um...tradition...at Michigan may be getting pushed aside.

But where will it stop? When will it stop? Will it stop?

As an avid follower of college football since ESPN told me to be, I consider myself a traditionalist, and I don't like to see any traditions being discarded.

Rodriguez trying to give the #1 jersey to a defensive back is a slap in the face to everything guys like Tyrone Butterfield stood for as a #1 wearer. Do you think Butterfield sees the framed #1 jersey that hangs next to his Murphy bed and thinks, "It's too bad defensive players can't wear this?" Of course not!

And how do you think former captain Mike Hart feels about rotating captains? I bet he thinks it sucks! How are rotating captains going to know how to lead their team to victory as well as proven, established captains like Mike Hart, Jake Long and Shawn Crable can? They can't! (Of course, Chad Henne might have liked the idea, considering he finally would have gotten a chance to be a captain. Maybe)

In Order To Ensure Joe Paterno Will Healthily Make It To The Season Opener

He has been frozen in carbonite. He will be thawed in time to monitor summer practices from home.

Acutely Undercoached Remembers Bobby Bowden's Two-Month Championship Reign As A Contestant On 'The Match Game'

Episode Guide for Charlie Weis' 2006 NBC Cartoon 'Weis Guys'

Weis Guys was a cartoon in which Charlie Weis and a team of traveling skateboarding kids encounter adventures and solve mysteries throughout the country. The cast of characters included Weis; Johnny (an orphan with confidence issues); Sam (a punky, streetwise tomboy); Frankie (a misunderstood bully) and Robot (a talking robot). The series was canceled after only one season and can currently only be seen on Japan's version of Cartoon Network "Toon In Tokyo".

Episode One: "The Ghost of Mt. Calamari"
While on the road in Florida, the team stops at a seafood restaurant. As they enter the restaurant, the patrons all run out in a panic, screaming that there is a ghost inside the restaurant. Charlie and his team enter without apology and Charlie immediately deduces that the "ghost" is just a film projection from rival seafood restauranteur Shiko Nakamuro. The rest of the episode has Charlie berating Robot for slow math computing.

Episode Two: "The Haunted Castle"
While at an international skateboarding competition in Romania, the team visits an old castle. Sam is in the bathroom when she hears what sounds like a ghost. Sam contacts Robot to come and check it out and according to Robot's heat scan, there is somebody in the other stall. The two then call for Charlie, and when he hears what Sam thought was a ghost, he correctly deduces that it's not a ghost at all, but rather a sleeping possum. He then opens the door to show them the possum and point out how stupid they were. The rest of the episode is Charlie talking about how the possum is the only North American marsupial.

Episode Three: "Terror Circus"
Seeking respite from the grind of skateboarding, the team decides to take in the circus. While standing in line for concessions, the team hears a scream and Charlie runs to find out what happened. When Charlie finally gets to the room where the scream comes from, his team tells him that a ghost has robbed the treasurer and all of the ticket money has been stolen! Charlie takes the lockbox from the treasurer and berates him for having such an easy six number combination. He then gathers bystanders around the treasurer and asks the treasurer what a ghost is going to do with money. The treasurer is speechless and then Charlie throws the lockbox at the treasurer and shouts "Ghosts don't $#%!&*$ steal $%#@*&% money!"

Episode Four: "Dead Bang"
Murder! The team takes in a dinner play involving the solving of a fake murder. Charlie makes Robot stay outside because every seat costs money and since Robot can't eat, Charlie's not paying for him to just occupy space. The rest of the episode is Charlie shouting out during the play that the murderer is Nigel Portnoy.

Episode Five: "Ghost Ship"
While in Chicago at "Skate-a-Thon 2006", Johnny sees what he thinks is a ghost ship. Charlie shakes him and says not everything is about ghosts. Charlie then asks Johnny to leave the team. The final 19 minutes of the episode has Charlie giving an expletive-laced rant about how Robot is nothing but a "glorified &%#$@&^# can opener."

Episode Six: "The Old Witch and The Non-Existent Cell Tower"
While traveling to a Kansas skateboard show, the team's van breaks down and the team is forced to walk to a nearby farmhouse to make a phone call. Charlie knocks on the door and an old farmer answers. The farmer tells him that the only person in the area with a phone is "the old witch". Charlie gets directions to the old witch's house. The witch lets Charlie use her phone and he calls AAA. The rest of the episode is Charlie telling the guy from AAA how to fix the van.

Episode Seven: "Zombie Train"
On their way to a skateboarding expo in St. Louis, the team's Amtrak is overrun by zombies. Knowing that zombies eat brains, the team was obviously worried about the buffet of brains that Charlie would offer. While Charlie is sleeping, they decide to barricade him inside of his suite. Even though Charlie cannot get to his team, he tells them that the zombies aren't zombies, but rather they are heroin addicts. Charlie then has Robot break down his door.

Episode Eight: "The Final Chapter"
The last episode of Weis Guys is a two-parter. In the first part, Sam is kidnapped. Charlie yells at Frankie for letting Sam get kidnapped and Frankie is obviously distraught and runs away. With only one day before the US Skateboarding Open, Charlie has to get his team back together! Part two has Charlie calling former team member Johnny at home and telling Johnny that he knows that Johnny kidnapped Sam. Johnny admits to the crime and Sam is freed. Charlie then grabs Robot and they drive over to the old bridge where Charlie finds Frankie and he tells Frankie that he knew he'd find him at the bridge because Frankie would never have the guts to actually jump. Charlie then tells Robot that he's a non-necessity and is no longer wanted on the team. The series ends with Charlie and Frankie going to pick up Sam, undoubtedly on their way to winning the US Skateboarding Open the next day.

Getting To Know Notre Dame Frosh Quarterback Dayne Crist

Dayne Crist ... 6-5 ... 225 ... Sherman Oaks, CA

Selected to play in U.S. Army All-American Bowl in San Antonio ... one of six finalists for the 2008 U.S. Army Player of the Year Award ... certified Black Belt ... one of seven finalists for the Joe Montana Quarterback of the Year Award ... winner 2007 Reseda Kumite ... named to the Scout.com All-America second team ... one of five future Irish players placed on the EA Sports All-America third team ... has eleven kills to his credit - seven legitimate ... only player projected to play quarterback in college who was named to the Best in the West first team ... leader of group of area toughs known as "The Cobras" ... placed on all-Southern California team by Southern California Football Coaches Association and Orange County Register ... completed 57.8 percent of passes for 2,178 yards with 16 touchdowns and one interception in 10 games in 2007 ... Rivals.com ranked him the 25th-best prospect in the nation, second-best pro-style quarterback in the country and fourth-best recruit in California ... finished second in 1983 All Valley Karate Championship.

Jumping Out Of Moving Vehicles The Les Miles Way

You're no different than other Americans--you want to know how to jump out of moving vehicles. And, aside from Colt Seavers, who else would you want telling you how to do it. So, with that in mind, here's some helpful hints from Les Miles on the best ways to accomplish your vehicular dismount. The more you know...

Ford Fairmont - The Fairmont is your typical sedan, so this would probably be the most popular technique that I teach. The great thing about this technique is that it doesn't matter if you're driving or if you're the passenger. All you do is open your door, and when the time is right, you jump out of the car with your legs pointing towards the front of the car and you attempt to do a baseball slide. Eventually, you will stop. Make sure to keep your feet a little elevated so that they don't catch on the ground and break under the force of your own momentum. It's best to let your powerful hip bone and thigh bone absorb the landing. Also, because you have a lot of leg skin, you can afford to lose some.

AMC Eagle - The Eagle affords you a much different perspective than your typical sedan like the Fairmont. Because of the Eagle's sweet elevation, you can actually bring your knees up into your chest and conform your body into a ball and just peacefully roll to a stop. If you want, you can probably hold your knees together with one arm, and protect your head with the other. Because I value form and function, I use both arms to tuck in my knees and just make sure my head is prepared for a jolt. The success rate on this dismount is 100% because you always eventually come to a stop.

El Camino - (Note: If you are leaving an El Camino via the front, please see "Ford Fairmont".) If you're like me, you probably thought you'd just be able to let the tailgate down and just "run" off of the back of the vehicle. It only takes one attempt at this to realize how wrong you are. But it does take a second attempt to figure out just exactly where everything went wrong. Where I kept messing up is that I was trying to run in the opposite direction that the Camino was traveling. Although I have never attempted a third dismount of an El Camino, I can now safely assume that the best way to successfully leap from this vehicle would be to get down into a sprinter's stance with your feet against the tailgate and when you feel comfortable, start running diagonally towards the cab of the El Camino and leap out at your top speed. You should be able to either keep running, or just slide to a stop on your feet--provided your balance is good.

John Deere - The key to this dismount is distance--and arm flailing. If you don't get the distance, you run the chance of getting run over by giant tires. If you don't flail your arms, people won't really get the proper perspective of how high up you actually were. If you do get the proper distance, you should be able to just land flat on your back--like you were jumping on a mattress. The ground will break your fall. If you don't get proper clearance, you'll want to roll back underneath the tractor, as this will assure you of being out of the tractor tires' path. However, this dismount plan is not to be used for any tractor carrying a plow or the like. (Note: Please, please, please make sure not to get your shoestrings caught in any of the tractor's pedals before dismount.)

Hang Glider - Generally, there really is no reason to jump off of a hang glider, as you can just choose to crash it as easily as you can choose to leave it. However, if you're being held captive by somebody flying a hang glider, the best place to look for an escape would be over water or trees. They say landing in water from a high rate of speed is similar to hitting cement, but they don't tell you that the cement is wet! Water is fine. Trees can be a nice secondary choice, just look for a lot of trees. If you are in the desert, look for a tall dune to land on. Not only are they soft, but they can be incredibly fun to roll down--and there's no harm in making the best of a bad situation.

Helicopter - I never recommend jumping out of a helicopter. Because our human heads weigh--on average--62 pounds, it is hard not to land on your head when jumping out of a helicopter. You're basically a human jart, which is only good when you're trying to hit something, not avoid it. If you must jump out of a helicopter, try to spread your body out right before impact so as to absorb as much of the impact through as much of your body as possible. You might think it would be best to "cannonball" the ground, but you would be mistaken. Unless, of course, this is a water dismount. Then, yeah, cannonball it up.

Rickshaw - The rickshaw dismount depends entirely on the rickshaw driver--or "rickey. Either way, however, a foot-based landing is entirely possible. The only difference is that with a speedy rickey, you may lose your balance when you dismount, so it's best to do a cool somersault when you land.

Escalator - I still don't always get this one right. The key is to wait until your step is the last step, and then you leap up and out, avoiding the metal teeth of the escalator monster. You must make sure that you wait until your step is the final step or else you may just be jumping out and up onto the final step, and you won't have enough time to jump again. Escalator deaths continue to climb and climb every year without stopping--and it does so without any irony whatsoever.

Super Fans Seeking Other Super Fans

SBSFM seeks SBSFF to travel to sporting events with. Must enjoy knifing through throngs of fans to find a camera. Must not be afraid of local media coverage. Love of fame a plus! Also, must be okay with the shoving of 8-year olds so that you can access a camera. Appreciation of being appreciated is a must. Ability to eat six brats in a single sitting before being chased off is preferred.

Are You An Agent Or USC Athlete Or USC Booster? If So, Check This Out!

Brian Hoyer's Dartboard (And Surrounding Wall)

Point/Counterpoint: Should Penn State Add A "Tear Tattoo" To Their Helmets

Today, safety Anthony Scirrotto and linebacker Sean Lee will debate whether or not Penn State should have a "tear tattoo" put on their helmet. Anthony Scirrotto will start us off.






Hellz yeah we should!






I can't believe we're co-captains.

Ha. You're crazy man. But seriously, this would be awesome.

I think you guys should do it.






Aw yeah! That's what I'm talking about!






Don't you see that with a tear tattoo we'd just be perpetuating the stereotype that we're all thugs here?





Exactly!





We like your thinking.





Hey guys, if I could just jump in here...I think Mr. Scirrotto isn't taking into account what can happen when your name is tarnished due to the actions of others. I don't blame Sean Lee for valuing his image. Sometimes, it's all we have. And when it's gone, your life changes. Look at me...I can't even get into my usual "clubs" anymore.

You better shut your mouth right now, Frogger.

See? This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about! We're not all like you, Anthony!

So what? You think you're better than us? Man, I will cut you...

I didn't say I was better than you. I just don't think everything needs to be settled by cutting people. That's kind of the point of "Point/Counterpoint", don't you think?

Man, let's smoke this joker!

Word!

Who needs a knife?

I'm just a boy in a cat costume who got caught in the crossfire.

Alright you kids, stop goofing around. We've got practice.

Blind Item: Which Current Pitt Head Coach Was Spotted Out And About Today?

We're not saying who, but a current head football coach at a western Pennsylvania university was spotted in line at a Cleveland Papa John's covered in foil.

Why Won't Tim Tebow Save Amy Winehouse?

See this man to the left? He is America's reigning Heisman Trophy winner. And yet, while he collects accolades like poor people collect pieces of folded aluminum foil, he is letting Amy Winehouse kill herself. And he doesn't even care. By most counts, he has been asked to intervene on Ms. Winehouse's behalf on at least seven separate occasions, and he has flatly refused every single time. He won't even answer the phone. If you call his cell phone, his voice mail has been disabled. Disabled! And this is your hero?

If Norah Jones was in trouble
do you think there would be such
silence from the Tebow camp?

Top Five Sandy-Blonde Heisman Candidates For 2008

1. Todd Reesing, QB Kansas. I'm sure in a better light, Reesing's hair would be even blonder--but you cannot deny the sandiness.

2. James Laurinaitis, LB Ohio State. He would probably be at the top of the list had he not shaved his head. Still, as it stands, his hair has enough of a body of work to warrant this placement.

3. Curtis Painter, QB Purdue. All you need to know about the level of sandy-blonde goodness at the top of this list is the fact that despite sandy-blondeness covering the top, bottom and sides of Curtis Painter's head, he's only good enough for third.

4. Colt McCoy, QB Texas. He only makes this list because he'll be out in the sun all summer long and his sandyness will eventually gleam with yellow gold. If he had an aversion to the sun, however, he'd never even sniff this list.

5. Sam McGuffie, RB Michigan. In Rich Rodriguez's new offense, McGuffie will have plenty of time to stand on the sidelines soaking up rays as his team goes three and out for three and a half hours at a time. And that's during peak sun time.

Those who did not make the list, but were sort of close...but not really.

Stephen McGee, QB Texas A&M. You don't get a real sandy-blonde with highlights. Lack integrity much, Stephen?

Drew Weatherford, QB Florida State. Yeah, everything about Weatherford's floppy skull-tassles screams "sandy-blonde goodness", but you still gotta be able to play. Sorry, Drew.

Jevan Snead, QB Ole Miss. Waaaaay too Ginger-y.

Jimmy Clausen, QB Notre Dame. This list is for "Sandy-Blondes", not "Dandy-Blondes".

Jake Christensen, QB Iowa. Yes, you probably have the epitome of "sandy-blonde goodness", but you're struggling to beat out Ricky Stanzi. I don't care if your first name is "Sandy", you're middle name is "Blonde" and your last name is "Goodness"--you're not making this list if you can't beat out Ricky Freaking Stanzi!